Two Path's Forward

On Why I'm Not Going Back to School

I feel myself shifting the goalpost for my current writing endeavors and It’s been pretty frustrating. Initially I set out to put out a writing piece once a week, but some mish-mash of perfectionism and cynicism towards my writing has depleted me of energy to click send. I spent the past few weeks trying to wrap my head around my current goals, so this post will serve as a status update for where I’m at, where I hope to be at, and working through these current feelings of decision paralysis. 

I’m at an important juncture in my life, a fork in the road that feels remarkably similar to the end of high school. Unlike the end of high school however, I’ve produced some additional opportunities that play to my strengths. Like I talked about in my previous post, I got accepted into a new college where a clear path forward awaits. I’d be joining my girlfriend at Western Washington University, the campus where I’ve been living next to for the past few months. If I chose to attend Western, I’ll likely pursue a degree in finance where I’ve been putting a portion of my energy into since the start of the year. I’ll need to complete 3 more years of school, after which I’d likely try to attain a position working at a hedge fund of some kind. This is the conventional route I see. I’ll likely make a reasonable amount of money to meet my quota for happiness, and I can imagine this being a successful endeavor for a relatively small amount of time in the grand scheme of things. 

There’s just one large problem that I’ve been shifting around: I don’t want to. I really don’t want to go back to school. I’ve spent too many hours trying to beat around the bush here. I feel a wide range of negative associations with school that I’ve tried to define in far too many words. Since the start of 2022 I’ve been on a path towards some massive self-improvements. This started with rekindling my curiosity through finding out how I can make learning enjoyable again. Since this point, I feel a piece of me return that I’m terrified to lose again. I felt soulless and traumatized in my last juncture with school. You see, the two of us don’t really get along so well. I also don’t know If I’m ready to attempt mending this relationship yet. I felt kicked to the curb, so squashed of ambitions that every breath felt like an attempt to breathe underwater. And I don’t think I’m ready to forgive this past relationship of mine quite yet. I feel spiteful and angry. Most importantly, I really like the person I feel like I’m becoming right now. I see a big difference with how my body respects me and how we nurture each other in our current relationship. It's a large heap of coercion from others then, that is leading me away from what I think is right. The most frequent retort I’m subjected to when I’ve expressed disinterest in continuing down the path of school is fear. Fear placed in my future, for they can’t imagine themselves succeeding without a piece of paper. A piece of fucking paper. I think that’s really selfish, a projection of insecurities that I have no interest in enveloping myself with right now.

The Unconventional Route 

This is what makes me excited to wake up right now. I’m able to turn over and get filled with joy at the sight of a book all of the sudden. I have strong ambitions to be a maker in this world. This is what I’m reading right now, and a memoir I highly recommend:

I’m working towards sharing my passion for Magic: The Gathering, and currently monetizing my techniques through a coaching service. I’m ecstatic at the current prospect of waking up to a flurry of kind hearted messages asking me to pass along a degree of my knowledge. I get to do this every day right now, and I feel the joyous nature of igniting a spark through teaching, one which fills my soul with warmth. I want to continue doing this until the day I wake up and that sensation feels deafened. 

I have a mentor that’s collaborating with me to share his techniques and skills for options trading that is guiding me towards success. For the first time I feel a long term career path forming that reminds me that my future professional pursuits can be extremely fun and intellectually rewarding, in the same vein as magic functions for me right now.  I’m so grateful to learn lessons from this individual that will surely contribute to my future successes in ways my current scope can’t fully grasp. Importantly, If I were to return to school and complete 3 more years of university, I’m not even sure if I’d start my professional career at a location closer than I’m at now. That's how much cultivating these connections at the present moment means for me. As a side note, I will forever be grateful for those with more life experiences and lessons that decide to take on those that they see great potential for. One day I hope that I too can pay it forward to a younger generation in the same manner that many mentors in my life have done throughout these formative years. 

Finally, I’m attending Magic Worlds in October. This has been my dream for basically my entire childhood, and I fear that I’ll be kicking myself in the future if I don’t put my all into this tournament. In a lot of ways I feel that a high finish in this event will also allow me to have some much needed closure from the days of grinding endless magic, into a place where I can help others with similar ambitions and desires to improve while simultaneously fueling my career goals. I want to remain a fixture of magics history by cementing myself as a world championship top competitor. I feel a wave of melancholy that my desires to do well in magic feel so in sight, as it's such a core fixture of my identity. I think with a high worlds finish and a pro tour top 8 I would be pretty satisfied with my impact on the game.

My time in magic is nowhere close to over, but there does become a point where I’m going to have to redefine my goals or otherwise risk becoming complacent in life. Until then I’ll explore my passions and embrace what feels right. I’ve always seen myself as a bit of an outcast in this way, rarely interested in conforming to expectations that feel like they’re leading me astray. I don’t know if it’s really that difficult of a decision then in how to proceed. I was probably already convinced of this somewhere, but rationalizing this on a piece of paper (I don’t need that in 3 years, right?) has been a helpful exercise.

Until Next Time,

Nathan Steuer